Wellington
by RoEleventyone
Summary: Carolyn's booked a trip and Martin can't do it. As usual, it's up to Douglas to sort everything out- cope with the Fitton Pony Club and Arthur's strange power over them, stop Carolyn going hobbit-hunting, and save Martin and Teresa's relationship. Contains spoilers for series 4 Vaduz.
1. 1:En Route to Cardiff

**A/N: First fic, woohoo! This'll probably be a multi-chapter thing. Owing to education, updates may be fairly sporadic... Any reviews/comments/constructive criticism/whatever will be very much appreciated and well-looked-after. :) Also I know nothing whatsoever about airplanes, air regulations, or how planes fly, so if I get anything dramatically wrong then either indulgently overlook it for the sake of plot or inform me in a review.**

**Disclaimer: Most unfortunately, I do not own Cabin Pressure. All characters are the creation of the very wonderful John Finnemore and are brought to the world by the BBCeeeee! **

Episode 1

[Quiet humming sound of flying plane.]

Martin: The minister's cat is an angry cat.

Douglas: The minister's cat is an avuncular cat.

Martin: The minister's cat is an able cat.

Douglas: The minister's cat is an aeronautical cat.

Martin: The minister's cat is an…American cat?

Douglas: We'll let it pass. The minister's cat is an avant-garde cat.

Martin: The minister's cat is an… is an…

Douglas: Dearie me. I seem to have won that round- shall we move on to 'B'?

Martin: [angrily] I just had one! It went away.

Douglas: That is a tragedy indeed. One might even describe it as 'agonising'.

Martin: Douglas.

Douglas: Were you perhaps thinking of 'acrimonious'?

Martin: Yes, alright, there's no need to-

Douglas: Oh, how about 'arboreal'?

Martin: Douglas-

Douglas: 'Asinine'? 'Adamant'?

Martin: Alright! You win. Again.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Arthur: Hello, chaps!

Carolyn: Good day, O pilots. I bring fortuitous tidings.

Martin: 'Adorable'!

Carolyn: Martin, as much as I appreciate your advances, I'm afraid that I am not able to return them in any way, shape or form. Particularly not by finding you 'adorable'.

Martin: No, no, no! It's my adjective beginning with 'A'! I remembered it! That means it's your turn, Douglas.

Douglas: It may have escaped your notice, Captain, but the rules of the game state that the adjectives must be in direct sequence. Your response, well-spirited though it was, was anything other than direct.

Arthur: Oh, are we playing a game? What is this time?

Douglas: The Minister's Cat.

Arthur: Oooh! Can I play?

Douglas: Very well, Arthur. Martin, care to start?

Martin: The minister's cat is an adorable cat.

Douglas: The minister's cat is an assiduous cat.

Arthur: The minister's cat is a BRILLIANT cat!

[Pause]

Martin: … In all fairness, we probably should have seen it coming.

Douglas: Anyone fancy explaining the rules to Arthur?

[Pause]

Douglas: Let's take that resounding silence as a 'no'. Arthur, coffee.

Arthur: Righto, Douglas!

[Flight deck door opens and shuts again]

Douglas: So, Carolyn. What delightful secrets have you got in store for us?

Martin: It can't be a new commission.

Carolyn: A-ha! And that is where you are wrong.

Martin: What? You can't have got a booking call, we're in the air!

Carolyn: And, as per the regulations, I have of course remembered to switch off all electronic devices prior to takeoff, for fear of offending Gertie's delicate sensibilities. No, Martin, this trip has been lined up for weeks.

Martin: But you told us that once we got back from Cardiff we wouldn't have any more trips until Tuesday!

Carolyn: Oh Martin, you who are so young and innocent in the ways of the world, however shall I break to you the devastating reality? I lied.

Martin: But I need that time off! I'm- doing things!

Carolyn: I'm sure you are. And one of those things includes flying the Fitton Pony Club to New Zealand on Thursday morning.

Douglas: To fly the Fitton Pony Club! It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Carolyn: And back again on Saturday.

Douglas: To fly the Fitton Pony Club! It's a twice-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Martin: Carolyn, I can't. I'm in Liechtenstein from Friday until Monday.

Douglas: Ah, Liechtenstein! Paying a visit to our favorite princess?

Martin: Yes, actually. It's her birthday.

Douglas: And your being there will improve it? My, your relationship must be doing well.

Carolyn: Well Martin, I'm afraid you're just going to have to un-Liechtenstein yourself- I need you.

Martin: No! I'm sorry, Carolyn, but I promised Teresa I'd be there.

Douglas: If it helps, I _could_ suggest that I take on the Ponies of Fitton both out and back, leaving Martin free to visit his beloved.

Martin: Thank you, Douglas! You see, Carolyn-

Douglas: But I'm not going to.

Martin: What?

Douglas: As I'm sure you're aware, Martin, being the stickler that you are, on any long flight- and Fitton to New Zealand constitutes exactly that- the regulations require at least two pilots, in case one becomes ill, is stolen by gremlins, or is overcome by fatigue due to the extreme slowness of Arthur's coffee-fetching ability.

Martin: [bitterly] Oh, thanks a lot, Douglas.

Douglas: Speaking of which, where is our all-providing angel of caffeine?

[Pause, in which a muffled CRASH from the other end of the plane is heard]

Carolyn: And I thought making coffee was the one thing that Arthur could do without causing havoc. [Sigh] I'd better go see whether he's broken anything of vital importance. So glad we've sorted out the Pony Club flight.

[Door opens]

Martin: Hang on hang on hang on no we haven't-

[Door closes]

Martin: Carolyn!

[Pause]

Martin: Thank you for your support there, Douglas.

Douglas: Oh, I don't know- I think you handled it superbly by yourself. Not everyone can be steamrolled by Carolyn with quite that degree of petulant inefficiency.

[Silence]

Douglas: Oh, cheer up, Martin. After all, your girlfriend's birthday- unlike the opportunity to fly the Fitton Pony Club to New Zealand and back- is not an unmissable opportunity. You can simply go twice next year.

Martin: [sigh] I… suppose. It's just that… well, Douglas, you know my history with relationships- [bitterly] me and my- whatever the hell it was that was almost a bobsled. And then I met Teresa and she actually wants me to spend time with her…[tearfully] and, well, I just want to make sure that nothing goes wrong…and I did promise…

[Pause]

Douglas: Here.

Martin: [thickly] Thank you. [Sounds of Martin blowing his nose.] Alright then, I'm ready for the teasing.

Douglas: Teasing? Perish the thought! I find myself- in a rare state of sincerity- deeply moved by your concern. As a matter of fact, Martin, provided that I can think of something, there may just be a way to ensure that you are able to attend your girlfriend's birthday party- without being mutilated by Carolyn, no less.

Martin: [Defensively] She's not my girlfriend. And…really?

Douglas: But of course! And when have I _not_ been able to think of something?

Martin: Um. Thank you. [Sniff] Alright, Douglas, ready to begin descent into Cardiff.

Douglas: Aye-aye, Captain.

Martin: Oh! 'Aromatic'! The minister's cat is an aromatic cat!

Douglas: Which is more than can be said for most members of the feline order. The minister's cat is an altruistic cat.

[Sounds of adjectives, amiable bickering and the landing plane fade out.]

**A/N: This chapter did seem rather pilot-dominated... I promise more Arthur and Carolyn next time! And, if all goes well, we may even meet some of Arthur's girlfriends in the Pony Club. :)**


	2. 2:Descent, into both Cardiff & Madness

**A/N: This chapter's a bit of a detour. The story is not progressing as quickly as anticipated- but the idea for this chapter popped into my head and I couldn't help running with it. Virtual cupcakes to anyone who reads this, I hope all you beautiful people out there like it... Whether you like it, hate it, or want to feed it to minions of the Necromancer, reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome. :)**

**Disclaimer: What? You mean I'm not John Finnemore? And I ****_don't_**** own Cabin Pressure? ...Dammit.**

Episode 2

[Whir of plane can still be heard]

Carolyn: Arthur! What have you done now? And don't say 'nothing', because I heard a crash-

[Kitchen area door opens and shuts]

Carolyn: Oh good lord.

Arthur: Hello hello hello Mum! Mum! Mum! Hello! How are you? You! How are! I'm brilliant!

Carolyn: [sigh] Please tell me you haven't been drinking coffee.

Arthur: [very quickly] I haven't been drinking coffee.

Carolyn: Now tell me the truth.

Arthur: Okay! I drank the coffees! Both of them!

Carolyn: I rather feared as much. Why, Arthur? Why, why, why? The time with the peach snaps was bad enough.

Arthur: Well, you know, Skip and Douglas drink coffee all the time, and they're brilliant! And I just had a thought-

Carolyn: Oh dear.

Arthur: Well, I've never really tried coffee, except that time in Rome that there was coffee ice cream and even then you ate most of mine! And so I wanted to see what it was like! And I've found out! And it's absolutely-

Carolyn: Yes, Arthur, alright. Far be it for me to question the reasoning behind anything you do, but if you have been drinking coffee, then _why_ is there pineapple juice all over the floor?

Arthur: Well, you know how when I make coffee for all the people I usually put milk in it? I was going to do that, but then I looked in the fridge and there was another box which looked like milk, and then I remembered that there was pineapple juice, and then I thought, when it's a really special occasion you and Skip and Douglas but not really drink wine and then I get to drink pineapple juice, and since pineapple juice is brilliant and coffee is probably brilliant I thought if you put them together you'd get TWICE as much brilliant! And so I did! But then after I drank the coffee that was Skip's I decided to put pineapple juice in the coffee that was Douglas's and drink that too, but then I was pouring it, and then I missed the cup, and then I tried to walk to where the cup was and I slipped and dropped the carton! But it's okay because there was still milk for me to have in the coffee that was Douglas's. And I didn't even hurt myself when I fell, I just bounced up again! Is that why Douglas and Skip drink coffee? So that if they crash the plane they'll just bounce back up and not get hurt? Mum? Why is your head in your hands? Because usually when you do that it means that something isn't very good and you're going to have to deal with it. And Skip looks like that sometimes and then I have to bring him coffee. Shall I make you some coffee? There's not any more pineapple juice to go in it, though, sorry.

Carolyn: Arthur. Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. Arthur!

Arthur: Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum?

Carolyn: One: shut up. Two: get the mop and clean the floor. Three: do not under any circumstances ever drink coffee ever again ever. With or without pineapple juice.

Arthur: Brilliant! I get to use the mop! Wheeeee! [Starts singing]

Carolyn: [sigh]

[Bing bong]

Douglas: Ladies and gentlemen. Well, lady and gentleman. Well, lady and…Arthur. Your attention please. Your fabulous pilots are right this instant beginning their descent into Cardiff, without having had any coffee whatsoever. Caffeine deprivation is a serious issue among pilots, with very severe risks. I shall now pass you over to Captain Martin Crieff, who will outline to you some of the consequences of caffeine deficiency.

Martin: [snoring gently] Zzzzzzz….

Douglas: If anyone on board has any explanation, or better yet any coffee, could they please come to the flight deck immediately. Thank you.

[Flight deck door opens and closes]

Douglas: Ah, hello Carolyn.

Carolyn: Arthur drank it.

Douglas: …I beg your pardon?

Carolyn: Arthur drank the coffees. Both of them. With pineapple juice.

Douglas: Ah. Oh _dear._ And the plane is still intact?

Carolyn: A bit…pineapple-y.

Douglas: You know, I've always wondered what caffeine could possibly _do_ to Arthur. He appears to be in a perpetually hyperactive state of existence anyway.

Carolyn: Do you remember the peach snaps?

Douglas: Vividly.

Carolyn: How many did he have?

Douglas: I believe it was something like six.

Carolyn: Now imagine the impact of approximately twenty.

Douglas: …Well, I think I can manage to land the plane. Perhaps you should go and restrain Arthur- he might decide that it's time for another attempt at skydiving. [Crackle] Cardiff Tower, this is Golf Tango India, ready to begin descent.

[Buzz of airport lobby]

Martin: I fell asleep?!

Douglas: Not just asleep, but snoring.

Martin: I do not snore!

Douglas: Like a baby.

Martin: What happened?!

Douglas: Oh, a perfectly routine landing. Not much to miss, really. I could always do it again for you if you like.

Martin: No, I mean why did you let me sleep?

Douglas: Look around. Do you see any sign of Carolyn or Arthur?

Martin: …No, actually. Where are they?

Douglas: Arthur has been taken to a hotel, given sedatives and a bedtime story, and is being forced to sleep, watched over by his infinitely caring mother.

Martin: Oh. Is he alright?

Douglas: Well, that depends on your definition of 'alright'. Alive and functioning, certainly. Rather too much, in fact. He drank our coffee.

Martin: …Oh god.

Douglas: With pineapple juice.

Martin: Well, I'm certainly glad I slept through that. So, when are we flying back?

Douglas: Tonight. Which means you should also get some sleep.

Martin: What? But I'm not tired! I had a nap!

Douglas: In which case, you can come with me.

Martin: What? Where?

Douglas: Out. We're going shopping. Also, I have always wanted to see that wobbly waterfall wall that the TARDIS materializes in front of in Doctor Who.

Martin: Shopping? What for?

Douglas: That would be telling. Follow me, Captain, and all will be revealed.

**A/N: I can't help seeing Douglas as a Doctor Who fan. (I don't own Doctor Who, either.) Martin, of course, prefers Sherlock. :P**


	3. 3:The Joys of Cardiff & Homeward Bound

**A/N: The plot thickens! Anyone still reading this, thank you very much. As Arthur would say, you're BRILLIANT! :) Without further ado, on with the story.**

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still not mine.**

Episode Three

[Bustle of street, cars passing, people talking]

Martin: Douglas…

Douglas: What?

Martin: Um… what are you doing?

Douglas: It's rather a long list, I'm afraid. Thinking, breathing, walking, talking… being fabulous…

Martin: Douglas.

Douglas: …but right this second, Martin, I am entering a fancy dress shop.

Martin: Okay. Wrong question. I meant to ask 'why'. Why on Earth are you entering a fancy dress shop?

Douglas: I shall counter your question with two of my own. Firstly, what will you be wearing to attend the princess of Liechtenstein's birthday party?

Martin: Um. Well, I was just planning on wearing my uniform, actually.

Douglas: As I anticipated. The Captain cannot resist an opportunity to show off his rank. Since you will be wearing your uniform, I will need to be in possession of another one. My second question is thus: where can one purchase an airline pilot's uniform?

Martin: From official aviation suppliers?

Douglas: Allow me to rephrase the question. Where can one purchase a pilot's uniform of the quality that MJN Air is accustomed to?

Martin: …In a fancy dress shop. Oh!

Douglas: Precisely.

[Door of shop opens and closes, little bell rings]

Martin: Wait, hang on a second. Why do you need another captain's uniform? Surely you could just use the outfit you wore for Helena?

Douglas: An astute question. Unfortunately, under the terms of the divorce, Helena received ownership of all my old captain's things.

Martin: Oh.

Douglas: So, I stole them before she could take them and burned them in the dead of night. She may take my money, but she can never lay a finger on my pride.

Martin: …Right. I'm sorry, Douglas.

Douglas: Oh, what for?

Martin: Well, that- your relationship didn't work out. And that you don't have your captain's things any more.

Douglas: Yes, well, you're forgetting- neither does she. Besides, enough people mistake me for the captain as it is to keep my ego sufficiently boosted. And once in a while it's nice to be in the First Officer's seat- less stress, no knowledge that anything which goes wrong is your responsibility, the chance to mercilessly tease the captain… Now, Martin, which one should we get?

Martin: Um. Here, get this one.

Douglas: Just this, then.

Shop attendant: [smothered giggles]

Martin: [defensively] What? What's funny?

Shop attendant: Ptth… oh, nothing… it's just, two grown men, pilots of an airline, purchasing a pilot's costume…[giggles]

Martin: Hey! I really don't-

Douglas: [cutting in] Thank you, madam. Will that be all, or would you like another few minutes of mirth?

Shop assistant: Ahaha…sorry. Would you [snigger] like a bag for that?

Douglas: You know, I rather think we would. Thank you _very _much.

Shop assistant: Come back any time! Look, I'll even give you a penny off for the comic value.

Douglas: [bows] Thank you, thank you. We're here all afternoon.

[Shop door opens and closes, bell jangles]

Douglas: You know, Martin, you're looking rather red in the face. Shall we sit down?

Martin: Oh, wonderful. You know, I do manage to embarrass myself enough without you doing it for me.

Douglas: You still haven't asked why I wanted another pilot's uniform in the first place.

Martin: Do I want to know the answer?

Douglas: On second thoughts, probably not. Suffice it to say that it's to do with… [melodramatic whisper] _the Plan_.

Martin: I'm expecting a thunderstorm any minute. Is it really that necessary?

Douglas: Oh, absolutely! You will not be there. We need two pilots. We cannot get two pilots. I am capable of flying the whole trip, but Carolyn will not allow it. Therefore, Carolyn must not find out. Therefore, we must convince Carolyn of the presence of two pilots. And that means…

Martin: Oh, no.

[Whir of plane]

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Arthur: [dully] Coffee for you, Skip. And you, Douglas.

Martin: Thank you, Arthur.

Douglas: Thank you, Arthur.

Arthur: You're welcome.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Martin: What did Carolyn give him?!

Douglas: I've no idea. Perhaps the sort of tranquilizer that keeps rampaging elephants calm.

Martin: I wouldn't put it past her.

Douglas: I'll go have a word with him. Do try not to crash the plane while I'm gone.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Douglas: Arthur?

Arthur: [drearily] In here.

[Kitchen area door opens and shuts]

Douglas: How are you feeling?

Arthur: Fine.

Douglas: Not 'brilliant'? Something must be very wrong. Did Carolyn give you anything?

Arthur: Yes.

Douglas: And what was it?

Arthur: A talking-to.

Douglas: Ah, I see! Presumably forbidding you from ever drinking coffee again?

Arthur: Yep.

Douglas: I see that you're not feeling quite as cheerful as usual. Thankfully, I am a master at the art of cheeriness. First of all- Arthur, would you care for some pineapple juice?

Arthur: Yeah! Oh… I spilled it all.

Douglas: Not so fast. Whilst in Cardiff, I managed to procure a few essentials for the trip home…

Arthur: Wow! Douglas, you're a genius! How did you fit five cartons into your coat?

Douglas: When you've been in the import-export business as long as I have, you naturally develop a few tricks for transporting large amounts of items you don't want anyone else to know about. Now then. Arthur Shappey, for the first and probably last time in my life- I need your help.

Arthur: Brilliant! What for?

Douglas: Do you by any chance remember the time that you had to pretend to be the Captain?

Arthur: Oh, yeah! That was a good trip, wasn't it? I loved being Skip!

Douglas: It was indeed an experience for us all to remember. Now, listen very carefully, Arthur. This is what we're going to do.

[Flight deck door opens and closes]

Carolyn: Yoo-hoo, pilots! Oh. Pilot.

Martin: Hello, Carolyn.

Carolyn: And where's Douglas?

Martin: Talking to your son.

Carolyn: Well, I don't envy him that. Actually, Martin, there's something I wanted to discuss with you about the New Zealand trip.

Martin: I-

Carolyn: I can't let you out of it, Martin. But I can- and relish this because I will most probably never ever say it again- pay you for it.

Martin: What?!

Carolyn: The only reason that I consented to fly a gaggle of snobby pony girls, is that they're rich snobby pony girls. They can afford to pay us- and at more than the usual rate- which means, I can afford to pay you. Only for this trip, out and back, the same rate that Douglas gets.

Martin: Carolyn, I-

Carolyn: Of course, if you decide to stand me up and not fly, I will personally charge you for all MJN's loss of earnings.

Martin: And for a minute, I thought you were being nice. Thank you, Carolyn, I will bear it in mind.

[Flight deck door opens]

Douglas: …and remember, Arthur, you cannot tell Carolyn _anything_ about this. At all.

Arthur: Righto, Douglas! No worries!

[Flight deck door closes]

Carolyn: Aha! What can't he tell me?

Douglas: Ah.

Carolyn: [dangerously] Arthur…

Arthur: Nothing, Mum! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Carolyn: Arthur Shappey. What does Douglas not want me to know?

Douglas: Nice weather, isn't it? Such beautiful sunshine.

Martin: Um, Douglas, it's raining.

Douglas: And such beautiful rain!

Carolyn: Douglas…

Douglas: Oh, very well. Arthur, the game is up. We were simply making plans for your birthday present, Carolyn.

Arthur: Hang on, Douglas, that's not what – mmmpfffff-

Douglas: Obviously, we _could_ tell you exactly what you'll be receiving from us- or you could leave it to be a surprise.

Carolyn: Well. I'm certainly surprised at your forward planning- especially seeing as my birthday isn't for another six months. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt- for now. You need not tell me more.

Douglas: Oh goodie. Martin, you can release Arthur now.

Arthur: Mmmpffff. Phew!

Carolyn: And now, we shall leave you to fly the plane in peace. Arthur, come.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Douglas: …Well. That was interesting.

**A/N: Liked it? Hated it? Reviews are to authors what coffee is to Arthurs, or possibly what a baked potato is to Martin. :)**


	4. 4: Martin's Flat & the Non-Alcoholic Pub

**A/N: *ahem* Hello there.. it's been a while... (Desperate excuse time). So, first I put on hold (*cough* abandoned *cough*) this fic in order to finish off my first Johnlock. (Shameless self-publicity: any Sherlock fans, how about it?) And then, school. What can I say. It'll probably be a while until my next update as well; I ought to be revising and all manner of woeful things. But in the meantime, have another chapter. Mostly plot preparation, Martin-awkwardness and Douglas-snarkiness.**

[Quiet, homelike sounds: kettle beginning to hiss, muffled clamor of students from downstairs]

[Telephone rings]

Martin: [picks up telephone] Hello?

Theresa: [tinny] Martin! Hallo.

Martin: Ah! Hello, darl- um- sweet- um- Theresa!

Theresa: Orrr you could call me "Your Highness".

Martin: Oh, um… really? Um. Yes. Hello, Your Highness.

Theresa: [laughs] Not really. I was teasing. "Darling" will be fine.

Martin: Ah. Yes. Okay. Fine. [Laughs nervously] Hello… darling?

Theresa: Martin, are you blushing?

Martin: [quickly] No! Certainly not. Not at all. Um. So, how are you?

Theresa: I am well. Maxi has gone to school and I am rather bored, so I have decided to call you. You are not busy?

Martin: No, not at all. As a matter of fact, we just got back from Cardiff.

Theresa: Oh? And the flight, did it go well?

Martin: Um. Yes. The way back was completely uneventful.

Theresa: [teasingly] And the way there?

Martin: Well. It was- it went well. Except, Arthur drank coffee, which was very dramatic. He's fine now, though.

Theresa: Ah, yes, I understand. Whenever I let Maxi drink the coffee, it is the same. You managed the landing, though?

Martin: I. Um. The landing was fine. Really great. Perfect, probably. Not that I'd know. I, um…

Theresa: [laughing] Yes, Martin?

Martin: I slept through it, if you must know.

Theresa: Ah, the pilot who flies so much. You are overworked, yes? You will relax while you are here in Liechtenstein. We have a very lovely lake.

Martin: Yes, yes, I'll. Um. Relaxing, definitely.

Theresa: And I am so looking forward to seeing you! You will be able to come, won't you?

Martin: Yes! Of course. I'll be there. Definitely. Right.

Theresa: Then I shall see you on Friday, yes? Until then, we shall say goodbye.

Martin: Yes, of course. Um. I. Um. I lo-

Theresa: And I love you also.

[Noise of phone hanging up]

Martin: [sigh]

[Pause]

Martin: [picks up phone, beeping of numbers, ringing]

Douglas: [tinny] Hello, this is Douglas Richardson speaking. Lucky you.

Martin: Douglas! It's me.

Douglas: Ah, hello, Me. What on earth could warrant such a call?

Martin: Well, I, um-

Douglas: [snappily] By the way, that was the polite way of me saying "What do you want?" I _was _rather busy.

Martin: Right. Sorry. Should I call back later?

Douglas: [sigh] No, that's alright. I'm just sorting out some papers for the divorce; it'll keep. What was it you wanted?

Martin: I was wondering. About the New Zealand trip. Theresa just called me, and, well, I was wondering whether you knew how I'm going to get to Liechtenstein, and how on earth I'm going to manage it.

Douglas: Aha, so you are wanting to discuss _The Plan_? Very well. I will meet you at the pub in Fitton in half an hour.

Martin: Couldn't we just discuss it now?

Douglas: I rather resent telephones; I've never seen the appeal of _paying_ in order to _talk_. Besides, something as high-security as this needs discussing in person.

Martin: But you don't drink!

Douglas: That is strictly between us. The rest of the world need not know. I have appearances to maintain. Now, you run off to the pub- I have another call to make.

Martin: Douglas-

Douglas: Cheerio!

[Sound of telephone hanging up]

oooo

[Pub door opens; chatter, music and bustle]

Douglas: Martin! Over here.

Arthur: Hello, Skipper!

Martin: [scrape of pulling out chair] [confused] Hello…

Douglas: Martin, what will you have?

Martin: Just… I don't know, actually. I hardly ever go out.

Douglas: Allow me to recommend the house beer- it is particularly excellent.

Martin: Right. You'd know.

Douglas: Of course I would! [calls] Two pints of the regular, then, and one pineapple juice.

[Clink of glasses]

Martin: [hissing] Douglas, how're you-

Douglas: Cheers.

Martin: [sounds of drinking] It's apple juice! How-

Douglas: Never mind that. Now, shall we discuss what we came for?

Martin: [coughs pointedly]Arthur?[cough]

Arthur: Gosh, Skip, that doesn't sound healthy! Are you alright?

Martin: Yes, yes, I'm fine.

Douglas: Trust me, Martin, and all will be revealed.

Arthur: Wow, Douglas! You sound just like someone in a movie!

Douglas: It's my natural glamour and style, Arthur. Would you care for a straw?

Arthur: Brilliant! Drinking through a straw is so much more fun than not. It just makes everything taste so much better!

Martin: Actually, I think he's right about that. It's a fundamental law of the universe or something; anything drunk through a straw is automatically improved.

Douglas: You'd like one too, would you, Martin?

Martin: As befits my status as captain, in fact, I'd say that… I _deserve_ one.

Douglas: Well. I'm not one to let my colleagues outrank me. [Calls] Oh, and three straws, please.

[Sounds of sucking through straws]

Douglas: Aaah. Just the ticket.

Martin: So, about this plan then.

Douglas: Ah! Would you be referring to…_The Plan_?

Martin: You know, you really don't have to say it so dramatically.

Douglas: Yes. I do.

Martin: Right. Anyway, listen, Douglas, this is a big thing. Carolyn has offered to pay me if I do the flight.

Douglas: What was that? Sorry, I thought you just said Carolyn had offered to _pay _you.

Martin: It's true! Just for the New Zealand trip.

Douglas: In which case, I'm certain that since you won't actually be flying it, you would be more than willing to split the pay with those who make it seem as though you do. But I fail to see your problem.

Martin: It's not just that. If I don't fly, she will personally charge me for the company's loss of earnings. The price of a whole flight. To the other side of the world. For ten snobby rich girls.

Douglas: As I said, I fail to see your problem. The plane will fly, and it will appear to be you flying it. Therefore, no loss of earnings, which means that Carolyn can't charge you for anything, even if she were to find out-

Martin: She can't find out! Ever! She'd laugh at me! Or shout at me for betraying her trust and never employ me again ever! Besides, you know that the regulations require two pilots. If anyone found out that you did a long flight without a backup pilot, MJN would be fined and you'd have your license revoked and then the company would go under!

Douglas: Ah. Someone's been doing his research.

Martin: You see my point?! So that's why I'm saying, Douglas, unless we can work out a way of doing this legally, then I might…just…go on the trip.

Douglas: Martin, I'm flatted that you would even consider putting my job above your girlfriend's birthday. However. You seem to be running on the assumption that we could be caught.

Martin: Well, you could be!

Douglas: Martin. When, in all your time flying with me, have I failed in anything?

Martin: I still think that, by the regulations-

Douglas: Regulations, schmegulations! We will be fine. Quite honestly, Martin, you have nothing to worry about. After all, I'm in charge- what could possibly go wrong?

Martin: You keep on saying "we". Who is "we"?

Douglas: Well. You realize, of course, that since we will be sadly bereft of our original Martin, we shall have to make it _appear_ as though Martin is with us, despite him- you- being in Liechtenstein. I have therefore purchased a spare pilot's uniform, with the intent of causing _another person_ to _become_ Martin. Merely for this trip, of course.

Martin: You're going to dress someone up as me? Douglas, that will never work. Carolyn will not be fooled in the least. You can't be serious.

Douglas: Ah, but you're forgetting. Carolyn will not be paying as much attention as usual, due to the stress of having left her dear son Arthur-

Arthur: Me! Hooray!

Douglas: -at home, with a bad cold.

Martin: What? Arthur, are you ill?

Arthur: I don't know! I've never had a cold!

Douglas: Of course he's not ill. Not only will he _not _have a cold, he also will _not_ be at home. He will not be at home, due to the fact that he will be on Gertie with me-

Martin: …Oh, no.

Douglas: -as you.

Martin: [starting to laugh hysterically] No, no, no. No way. You're going to dress _Arthur_ in a pilot costume, and pretend it's me, and you think it will fool Carolyn? It won't work.

Douglas: Try me.

Arthur: Don't worry, Skip! Everything is going to be brilliant!

Martin: [hysterical laughter]

**A/N: Oh, another confession: I just realised that I'd spelled "Theresa" wrong in all the previous chapters. Oops. From here on in it will be fixed. Thanks to anyone who's read/liked/favorited/followed/glanced disdainfully at, but especially reviewed. I love reviews. Anyhow, until next time! -Ro :)**


	5. 5:Visiting Arthur & a Refreshing Walk

**A/N: This story is now also on AO3 (on which my username is Ro_Arden) ; I'm publishing one chapter per day until I catch up with where we are on here... Many thanks to readers/reviewers/followers. You're all brilliant. Oh, and I changed the character names to be in capitals in the hope that it is easier to read. I hope it doesn't bug anyone.**

[Crunching of gravel]

MARTIN: Douglas, I'm still not sure this is a good idea.

DOUGLAS: Thankfully for you, I am. You're sure Arthur's expecting us?

MARTIN: Um, yes. Enthusiastically so. I called him earlier. He was planning on making a cake.

DOUGLAS: 'Planning' being the operative word.

['Ding dong' of doorbell, door opens]

ARTHUR: Hello, chaps! This is brilliant! I get to invite you in! Like a proper host!

[Door closes]

ARTHUR: Welcome! Make yourselves at home!

MARTIN: Um. Thank you, Arthur.

DOUGLAS: My, what- enthusiastic- wallpaper.

ARTHUR: Isn't it brilliant? The old wallpaper was beige and it was really boring, and so for my birthday mum said I could pick new wallpaper, and I couldn't decide between yellow and purple, so we found one that was both! And it has stripes which is brilliant because it's like a zebra, which is nearly my favorite animal!

DOUGLAS: Dare one ask what IS your favorite animal, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Oh! I don't…know…Cats are brilliant. But so are zebras and Chihuahuas and mongooses and- OH! I KNOW! BEARS! POLAR BEARS! Definitely. Yep.

MARTIN: Polar bears. Of course.

ARTHUR: This way, chaps! If we go into the kitchen then you can have some cake!

MARTIN: You really made some?

ARTHUR: Of course I did, Skip! I'm quite good at being hospitable, you know. I think it might have something to do with me being an air steward and all.

[Scraping of chairs, clatter of plates]

DOUGLAS: [with mouth full] Dear god.

ARTHUR: [worriedly] What's wrong? Is it okay?

MARTIN: [with mouth full] No, it's amazing! This is really good!

ARTHUR: Phew. Because, for a minute, I was worried it had turned out like the one in Helsinki. You know… the mostly-chocolate thing.

DOUGLAS: I must confess, I was rather expecting something of that sort.

ARTHUR: Yes, but I'm actually really good at cakes! It's one of the things I can do. That and crazy golf.

MARTIN: Mmm. Okay. Arthur, in order for you to go on the flight as me, you're going to have to not go on it as you. And that means that you're going to pretend to have a cold.

ARTHUR: I'm not sure if I can do that, Skip.

MARTIN: I'm sure you can. Let's just try it. Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Ready, Captain. Now, Arthur, I need you to look miserable.

ARTHUR: I don't know how to look miserable! I don't think I can!

DOUGLAS: You just have to look tired. Sad and tired.

[Pause]

MARTIN: He looks like a bird.

ARTHUR: Wow! Really? Birds are brilliant!

DOUGLAS: Nevertheless, I think we should aim for something slightly _less_ like a pigeon on drugs, and more like an innocent Arthur suffering from a terrible cold. Any ideas, Martin?

MARTIN: We could try the tissues, I suppose.

DOUGLAS: Excellent. Arthur, blow your nose.

[Sniffling noise]

DOUGLAS: Good. That was almost convincing. Now, I need you to cough.

ARTHUR: [coughs]

DOUGLAS: Good enough. Now, imagine that you have to do that all the time. About every two minutes or so. How would you feel?

ARTHUR: Oh, no, Douglas! That wouldn't be brilliant! Because then it would hurt, and your head would feel all fuzzy!

DOUGLAS: Precisely. That's how you're going to have to act.

ARTHUR: Like my head feels all fuzzy and everything hurts?

DOUGLAS: Indeed.

ARTHUR: Oh. I'm quite glad I've never had a cold, then- they don't sound like fun.

MARTIN: You're quite sure you've never had a cold?

ARTHUR: Yep! Mum always says, it's because idiots can't catch them!

MARTIN: You're not an idiot, Arthur! Not always.

DOUGLAS: Maybe a clot, on occasion, but not an idiot. Mostly.

ARTHUR: Oh… thanks, chaps! That's really really sweet of you.

DOUGLAS: Stranger things have been said. Now. Today is Tuesday, which means we have the rest of today and all of tomorrow before departing on Thursday for the wondrous land of Middle Earth. Arthur, is this enough time for you to develop a cold?

ARTHUR: I think so! Only if I try really hard though.

DOUGLAS: And you mustn't say anything to Carolyn about it.

ARTHUR: Mustn't tell mum. I've got it.

DOUGLAS: Martin, perhaps you and I should absent ourselves, before Carolyn returns to find us sitting in her kitchen teaching her son to have a cold.

MARTIN: It's not a very sanitary place for it, really. I wonder where Carolyn is.

DOUGLAS: Taking Herc for a walk.

ARTHUR: No, that's not right, Douglas! She's taking Snoopadoop for a walk, WITH Herc.

DOUGLAS: Indeed. Well, Arthur, we shall be off. And remember- _The Plan_ is a great secret. Divulge at your peril.

ARTHUR: Brilliant!

oooo

[Tweeting of birds]

HERC: Well, it's certainly nice to get out of the house. Although, I hope you realize that by forcing me on another of these repulsive walks, you have put yourself in my debt and are going to have to owe me a rather large favor.

CAROLYN: Nonsense. Walks are good for you. And if you choose to accompany me as I take my customary exercise, it is hardly my fault.

[Pause]

HERC: There's a rather promising production of 'Carmen' on tomorrow evening, for which I have booked two seats.

CAROLYN: Oh? And which poor soul have you coerced into boring their socks off in the name of art?

HERC: Actually, I was rather hoping that you would come.

CAROLYN: Well, you can hope away, because hope is all you are going to get. We have had this discussion before. I am absolutely not going.

HERC: Carolyn, honestly. If I can go on walks, then you can endure opera. Look! I have mud on my shoes. I am trekking through a muddy field for you, so you can perfectly well sit in a comfortable velvet seat for me.

CAROLYN: I rather thought we'd stop by the pub for lunch. It's this way.

HERC: Very well. You leave me no alternative.

[Scuffling sounds]

CAROLYN: Hercules, what on Earth are you doing?

HERC: [panting] What… does it look like? I am… climbing… a fence.

CAROLYN: I can see that. You look absolutely ridiculous. Not only that, but you're going in the wrong direction.

HERC: No I'm not. Wait there, would you?

CAROLYN: Hercules! There are SHEEP in that field. Why are you walking towards the sheep?

HERC: [muffled words carried away by the breeze]

CAROLYN: Oh, never mind, I've just realised- I don't care.

[Frenzied baa-ing]

HERC: [unnerved] Help. Help me. Go away.

[More bleating]

HERC: [frightened] Aaaaah! Carolyn- help. It's coming closer. It's eating my shirt.

[Sounds of panicked running and bleating sheep]

HERC: [terrified, panting] Aaah! Go away! Help me!

CAROLYN: What- what is going on? Hercules, are you being chased by a sheep?

HERC: Yes- I – am! Help me!

CAROLYN: [hysterically laughing]

HERC: [panting sounds of fence being climbed] [long, shuddering breaths]

HERC: [sarcastic] Thank you… for saving… me.

CAROLYN: [hysterical laughter] That was the funniest thing I have ever seen!

HERC: It nearly killed me! I'm glad you find my abject terror so amusing.

CAROLYN: Hahahaha… haha…. oh… There should have been a film crew. Hercules Shipwright, running away from a sheep, squealing in fright.

HERC: If I might have your attention for a second. Listen carefully. I came on a walk with you and your ridiculous dog. I got mud on my shoes. I purposefully walked into a field of the most frightening creatures alive. I was CHASED by a SHEEP. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, you will accompany me to the opera tomorrow.

CAROLYN: …Oh, very well. But I retain all teasing rights over the Sheep Incident.

HERC: Then I shall collect you at seven. Now, shall we stop for lunch?

**A/N: Now all I can think of is that I really really want a fic in which Herc has to overcome his fears and brave a whole herd of sheep in order to catch Carolyn (or rescue her) and propose and finally get her to accept. Anyone feel like writing this?** **Review and etcetera, it makes me happy. -Ro :)**


	6. 6:Top Secret Bushes & Arthur's Home

**A/N: It's been a long time! I deeply apologise. This fic was on hiatus through my exam period. And I kept updating on AO3 and not here. But now, all exams are done! And therefore updates should be slightly more frequent. (By which I mean, existent.)**

[Rustling noises]

MARTIN: Ow. That twig got in my eye.  
DOUGLAS: Is there blood?  
MARTIN: No.  
DOUGLAS: Can you still SEE?  
MARTIN: Yes.  
DOUGLAS: Then you are entirely fine.  
MARTIN: Remind me why we are squatting in a bush outside Arthur's house?  
DOUGLAS: It is required for The PLAN. I would tell you the full details, but then I'd have to kill you.  
MARTIN: Don't you think you're getting a bit too into this?  
DOUGLAS: You're the one who reminded me, Captain- if we get caught, you will be humiliated, MJN will go under and neither of us will have a job, none of us will be able to pay our rent, we will end up camped in the airfield base room, you will be driven insane from living in a small concrete box with Arthur, we will not be able to afford food or coffee, while we are asleep due to not having any coffee Carolyn will kill you and use you as food, Arthur will go insane once he's found out that his mother fed you to him on toast, I will nobly soldier on, rescue the gibbering Arthur from the ravening Carolyn and flee into the night, where I will sacrifice myself to Carolyn's hunger for flesh in order to save Arthur, which will be dramatic but in vain, as Arthur will recoil at the sight of his mother chewing on my limbs, panic and run blindly into the road, where he will be run over by a yellow car, driven by Herc, who will see a movement in the shrubs and a gleam of fangs and will shoot Carolyn, then find out that it was Carolyn he shot, be overcome with remorse and hang himself from a roadside tree. It is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE that nothing goes wrong.  
MARTIN: You're enjoying this, aren't you?  
DOUGLAS: Oh, immensely.  
[Mobile phone rings (Nokia theme)]  
DOUGLAS: Hello, this is Agent One speaking.  
ARTHUR: [Tinny] Right! Mum is going to-  
DOUGLAS: Hold on a minute. What's the code word?  
ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! Sherbet lemon.  
DOUGLAS: Correct. Proceed with report, Agent Three.  
ARTHUR: Brilliant! I feel like a spy! Okay. Mum is going to be going out at seven with Herc, so I need to become ill before then, so that you can get me out of the house when she's gone.  
DOUGLAS: You don't think that she'll check on you in the morning before she leaves?  
ARTHUR: I've got it all worked out! What we do is we leave a note saying that I went to the doctor but not to worry and she can go ahead and get on the flight without seeing me!  
DOUGLAS: Good. You're surprisingly devious.  
ARTHUR: Thanks, Douglas!  
DOUGLAS: That's 'Agent One' to you. Now, Agent Three, are you ready to commence Operation Gesundheit?  
ARTHUR: I'm ready! Brilliant! I'll see you when she's gone.  
DOUGLAS: Good luck, Agent Three.  
[Click of hanging up]  
MARTIN: What's the news?  
DOUGLAS: Operation Gesundheit is underway. Agent Three has the matter in hand.  
MARTIN: You could have thought of some more interesting code names for us. Not that I mind being 'Agent One', but it's a bit- bland.  
DOUGLAS: Thankfully, you are not called Agent One.  
MARTIN: Oh, really? What am I, then?  
DOUGLAS: Agent Two.  
MARTIN: Douglas! I'm not Agent Two, I'm Agent One!  
DOUGLAS: I think you'll find that I am Agent One.  
MARTIN: I'm the Captain and you're the First Officer, therefore, I am Agent One.  
DOUGLAS: But look! No plane here. Here, I am in charge, and therefore I am Agent One.  
MARTIN: But I'm the Captain!  
DOUGLAS: The Captain who isn't on his next flight, and who is relying on his First Officer to get him out of it. I think you owe me. Besides, do you know what The Plan involves?  
MARTIN: Well, I would if you told me.  
DOUGLAS: So now what you're saying is, /you/ would be Agent One if /I/ let you.  
MARTIN: ...  
DOUGLAS: Right. Agent Two, would you please check the time?  
MARTIN: [sigh] Couldn't you just call me Martin?  
DOUGLAS: Certainly, Martin. Provided that you always refer to ME as Agent One, I have no problem with calling you by name.  
MARTIN: Oh, for crying out loud. Fine. [mockingly] AGENT ONE, the time is now quarter to seven. Happy?  
DOUGLAS: Incredibly.

oooooo

CAROLYN: [humming theme from Carmen]  
[Door opens]  
CAROLYN: Oh, hello, Arthur. What do you want?  
ARTHUR: [cough] Hello, mum! Oh, hang on. I mean, hello. Mum.  
CAROLYN: [suspicious concern] How are you?  
ARTHUR: Brilli-um-ack. [Cough] Actually, I think I might have a cold?  
CAROLYN: Good grief. Arthur, with a cold?  
ARTHUR: [cough] My head feels all funny and everything hurts, and that's how Douglas said people with colds felt.  
CAROLYN: I see. And when were you talking to Douglas about this?  
ARTHUR: Ah! Oh! Ages ago! A long time! I don't know! I'm going to blow my nose. [Sniffles]  
CAROLYN: Right. I'm going out tonight, and the New Zealand flight is tomorrow. Will you be better by then?  
ARTHUR: I don't think so. I don't feel brilliant at all.  
CAROLYN: Bed.  
ARTHUR: What?  
CAROLYN: Go to bed. Now. And stay there until I get back. You will be all right on your own, won't you?  
ARTHUR: Yes! Absolutely fine. Although, I'm not actually tired.  
CAROLYN: I don't care whether you're tired. You're going to bed. Bed rest.  
ARTHUR: But-  
[Ding dong of doorbell]  
CAROLYN: Oh, that'll be Herc. [sternly] Go to bed, now. If, heaven forbid, you should feel even less brilliant, call me. I will check on you when I get in.  
ARTHUR: Yes, mum! Have a brilliant time with Herc!  
[Door opens and closes, sound of car driving off]

ooooooooo

[Mobile phone rings]  
DOUGLAS: [hissing] Agent Three, report?  
ARTHUR: [tinny] She's left the house.  
DOUGLAS: Martin, surveillance report?  
MARTIN: I can see the car. They're out of the driveway. Turning left into the road. They're around the corner and out of sight.  
DOUGLAS: Excellent. Alright, Arthur, ready to let us in?  
ARTHUR: I can't!  
DOUGLAS: Why ever not?  
ARTHUR: Mum sent me to bed.  
DOUGLAS: But you can leave the bed now that she's gone.  
ARTHUR: No, I really can't! That's not allowed!  
DOUGLAS: Are you seven years old, Arthur?  
ARTHUR: No…  
MARTIN: [rustling noises, calls] The door's unlocked, Douglas.  
DOUGLAS: What lax security. All to our advantage. Okay, Arthur- you stay there and we'll come up to you. Operation Polyjuice is about to begin.

**A/N: Cookies to anyone who picks up on Harry Potter codewords. I couldn't resist. As always, reviews et cetera are very much appreciated. -Ro :)**


	7. 7:Arthur's Bedroom of Plague

**A/N: Really quick chapter uploaded without any revision, so please forgive any typos or general crappiness...**

DOUGLAS: So, Arthur. Did you successfully convince Carolyn that you are ill?  
ARTHUR: Yes!  
DOUGLAS: Will wonders never cease. I was actually counting on Herc removing her from the scene before she got the chance to find out.  
ARTHUR: ...yeah, that's kind of what happened. I think she might have seen through me. A bit. Only not actually seen through me because that would mean that I was transparent, and that would be bad because then I would lose myself-  
MARTIN: No you wouldn't.  
ARTHUR: What?  
MARTIN: There's this sixth sense that people have which is a sense of their relative position in space. It's like, if you close your eyes, you can still touch your nose, because you have a sense of where your nose is relative to your hand. Like this.  
[Pause]  
ARTHUR: Ow! I hit myself in the eye!  
DOUGLAS: It would appear that Arthur is somewhat lacking in this sense.  
MARTIN: Why am I not surprised?!  
ARTHUR: [repeatedly trying to find his own nose with his eyes shut] Ow. Ow. Ow. No, it's not there either. Ow.  
MARTIN: Arthur! Stop now! You're trying to convince Carolyn that you have a cold, not that you've been beaten up!  
DOUGLAS: Although the latter might be more convincing. Mostly because it doesn't involve any acting on Arthur's part. Anyway, it's a redundant question, because we're going to get Arthur away tonight, and by the time Carolyn sees him next, he won't be him, but YOU.  
ARTHUR: Brilliant!  
MARTIN: Oh god. I'm still not sure this will work.  
DOUGLAS: Of course it will! Now. Arthur, does your bedroom door have a lock?  
ARTHUR: No. Mum took it off because I kept accidentally locking myself in.  
DOUGLAS: Then we shall have to improvise.  
[Dragging sounds as chest of drawers is pushed in front of door]  
MARTIN: Um, Douglas? Won't it be a bit obvious to Carolyn that Arthur is trying to keep her out if the door doesn't have a lock and it still won't open?  
ARTHUR: It's okay, Skip! I wrote her a note to put on the front of the door! So that she won't worry! [rustling of paper] [formal reading voice] "Dear Mum, this is a note from Arthur. I am completely fine. I think that my cold has got worse because I keep coughing and I feel a bit not brilliant. So I probably shouldn't go on the New Zealand flight. Which is a shame because I would like to look for hobbits also the pony girls are quite nice. I have stopped the door from opening so you should not try to come in because otherwise I would cough on you and then it would be like in those books, where the infection spreads with the speed of LIGHTNING, killing the entire population of the world except the ones who mutate and turn into zombies and the ones who have to run away from the infected ones and save everyone. And that would be a little bit brilliant because it would be very exciting only it wouldn't actually be brilliant because you would be dead. So I am fine and don't worry but also don't come in because you will catch zombie virus and die. Lots of love, Arthur. P.S. could you please feed Snoopadoop because I forgot before I blocked the door and now I can't unblock it."  
[Pause]  
DOUGLAS: [best sarcastic voice] Well, she certainly won't worry NOW.

**A/N: Many thanks to anyone reading, reviewing, et cetera- you're all BRILLIANT. -Ro :)**


	8. 8:Douglas' Den of Disguise (& Biscuits)

**A/N: This is the last of my prewritten chapters, so farewell to lightning updates. If I'm taking too long to update, feel free to send me angry messages.**

**Also, DISCLAIMER. Despite my frequent wishes, Cabin Pressure remains the property of John Finnemore and is [cue Benedict's voice] a Pozzitive Production For The BBCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee! (Just in case anyone had forgotten I don't own it. Ha.)**

[sounds of car driving]  
MARTIN: Are you sure it's alright, Douglas?  
DOUGLAS: Hmm? Sure what's alright?  
MARTIN: Leaving Arthur's bedroom window unlocked and slightly open like that-  
DOUGLAS: [airily] Oh, it's absolutely fine! There's no way that anyone could get in there.  
MARTIN: Yes, there isn't any MORE, because we tore down Carolyn's BEAUTIFUL and OLD wisteria by climbing down it!  
DOUGLAS: All part of the master Plan. It's perfect. The removal of the plant means that nobody can take advantage of the unlocked window to cause further misery; the tragic freak of nature which destroyed Carolyn's wisteria will keep her mind off of the fact that her son's bedroom window was left unlocked.  
MARTIN: Well, you could certainly be described as a "tragic freak of nature".  
DOUGLAS: Oh, well DONE. Excellent comeback. I'm wounded.  
MARTIN: [smug] Thank you.  
ARTHUR: [from back seat] Yellow car.  
MARTIN: Where?!  
ARTHUR: Up there, Skip! Just coming round that corner.  
MARTIN: ...that's not yellow. It's more a sort of green.  
ARTHUR: Nah, it's definitely yellow, Skip.  
MARTIN: I don't think so. Maybe a light lime green.  
DOUGLAS: Perhaps playing "Yellow Car" at NIGHT, in the DARK, was not the most inspired of ideas.  
[Car pulling into driveway]  
[Sound of door unlocking]  
DOUGLAS: Here we are, then.  
ARTHUR: Hooray!  
DOUGLAS: Arthur, with me. Martin, the kettle is in the kitchen.  
MARTIN: Right. [Door opens and closes]  
ARTHUR: Oh, this is strange! Because usually I'm the one making coffee while you guys are doing your thing, and now Skip is making coffee and we are doing OUR thing!  
DOUGLAS: Thus are the delights of being a pilot. Now, put this on.  
[Rustling noises]  
DOUGLAS: A splendidly efficient transformation.  
ARTHUR: Wow, really?  
DOUGLAS: Yes. I could almost mistake you for Martin.  
ARTHUR: Oh, WOW. Why?! Do I look like a Captain?  
DOUGLAS: No, you look ridiculous.  
MARTIN: [entering with coffee] Hey!  
DOUGLAS: Aha! The Beverage Fairy has arrived.  
ARTHUR: Skip, you know how I'm being you? Does that mean I get to drink coffee?  
MARTIN & DOUGLAS: [shouting] NO!  
DOUGLAS: Well, Martin, what do you think of Arthur's disguise?  
MARTIN: ...perhaps...if viewed from a distance...it might fool someone WITH NO EYES.  
DOUGLAS: Come now, there's no need to have such a negative attitude. I think it'll work. All it needs now are the finishing touches and the right conviction.  
MARTIN: [in his "I might have a plan" voice] ...should we dye his hair?  
DOUGLAS: Good thinking!  
MARTIN: [encouraged] Because, if anyone looks in the flight deck door, what they will see is the back of your heads. So maybe-  
DOUGLAS: Besides, there's no way that Arthur would be able to channel the true power and essence of Captain Martin Crieff without the proud ginger curls.  
MARTIN: I think I was being made fun of somewhere in that sentence.  
DOUGLAS: There's a chemist's five minutes down the road. I shall return shortly. Help yourselves to biscuits.  
[sounds of door opening and closing]  
ARTHUR: Brilliant! Biscuits!  
MARTIN: [checks watch] It's nearly ten thirty. I hope Douglas gets back soon.  
ARTHUR: He hasn't been gone for very long, Skip!  
MARTIN: I know. I just need to go home and get ready for Liechtenstein and it seems a bit rude to leave while he's not here.  
ARTHUR: I have an idea! Let's play a game to distract you while we wait.  
MARTIN: [tentatively] What...kind of game?  
ARTHUR: How about, See How Many Biscuits We Can Stack Before They Fall Over!  
MARTIN: [thoughtful] They're round and flat, so it shouldn't be too hard...  
ARTHUR: Brilliant!  
MARTIN: Wait, wait, wait! We can't just make a giant tower out of Douglas' biscuits!  
ARTHUR: Actually, Skip, I bet we COULD.  
MARTIN: [checks watch, & sighs]

oooooo

[Sound of door opening and closing]  
DOUGLAS: [calls] I'm home! Sorry I took a little longer than expected- the shop down the road was closed so I had to go into Fitton- good god.  
ARTHUR: Hello, Douglas! Look at what we made!  
DOUGLAS: I see you found my secret biscuit stash.  
ARTHUR: It's brilliant! I never knew anyone kept so many biscuits in their house! There are hundreds!  
DOUGLAS: How are you getting the stack to stand up?  
ARTHUR: Skip's doing it! He's amazing!  
DOUGLAS: The world has finally found a game which Martin is successful at. Arthur, I think we should leave the World Biscuit-Stacking Champion at it and complete your disguise.  
ARTHUR: Okay! [cautiously] Um, Skip? Is it okay if I go get my hair dyed now and stop passing you biscuits?  
MARTIN: [mumbling] ...another stack there to arch over...no, the base needs more structure...but if we have enough to reach...  
ARTHUR: Great, thanks.

ooooo

DOUGLAS: ...and then we finish combing that through and leave it for a while.  
ARTHUR: It's a bit cold!  
[Bathroom door opening]  
MARTIN: Douglas, do you have a step ladder?  
DOUGLAS: I think there's one in the garage.  
MARTIN: [slightly manically] I need a step ladder.  
DOUGLAS: Let me just wash out Arthur's hair-  
MARTIN: No! I need it now!  
DOUGLAS: Certainly, SIR. Let me just fetch the key for you.  
MARTIN: Thank you. [Door closes again]  
DOUGLAS: I fear to see what he has created. Now, Arthur, head over the sink.  
[Sound of running water]  
DOUGLAS: And there we are.  
ARTHUR: How does it look?  
DOUGLAS: Terrifying.  
ARTHUR: Brilliant!  
DOUGLAS: "Terrifying" and "brilliant", those two most synonymous of words. Alright, my young Martin Mark Two, shall we go see what your original is up to?

MARTIN: [panting]  
DOUGLAS: Good grief, Captain Crieff. Is this the right time to inquire why there is a stack of biscuits as tall as the ceiling in my living room?  
MARTIN: No, Douglas! Don't interrupt! This is the LAST ONE! I just need to fit it on there!  
ARTHUR: Ooh, be careful, Skip. That step ladder looks a bit-  
[CRASH! of six hundred biscuits, a step ladder and a Martin falling to the floor]  
DOUGLAS: [heavy irony] Unstable.  
ARTHUR: Oh no! Skip! Are you okay?  
MARTIN: Ow. For god's sake! Why can I never succeed at anything?! I can't even make a stack of six hundred biscuits without it falling over!  
DOUGLAS: If it's any consolation, I certainly couldn't do it.  
MARTIN: [hurt] You're just saying that, but I bet you could. DOUGLAS can do anything he wants. Even stack all of the biscuits.  
DOUGLAS: I'm fairly sure that NOBODY in the WORLD could stack all of the biscuits.  
MARTIN: Nobody except Douglas Bloody Rich-  
DOUGLAS: [firmly] ESPECIALLY not me. Watch. Arthur, would you count how many I stack?  
ARTHUR: One... two... three... four...fi- oh, bad luck, Douglas! It slipped off the edge there.  
DOUGLAS: Damn. Shall I try again?  
ARTHUR: One...two...three...oh! They're down again.  
MARTIN: [hesitant] You're not doing badly on purpose?  
DOUGLAS: Scout's honor. Evidently my talents are not all-encompassing. It would seem that you are the superior Biscuit Stacker, Captain.  
MARTIN: Really?  
DOUGLAS: The best one I know. It's rather embarrassing, really.  
MARTIN: [proud, surprised] Oh. Well.  
DOUGLAS: So, what do you think of Substitute Martin?  
MARTIN: From behind, it's not actually that unconvincing. So long as you keep people out of the flight deck, it might just work.  
ARTHUR: Hooray! Thanks, Skip!  
MARTIN: [yawns] Well. I had probably better head home to pack for Liechtenstein.  
DOUGLAS: I'll take you.  
MARTIN: I was just going to get a bus, actually-  
DOUGLAS: Nonsense. It's fine.  
MARTIN: Oh. Alright. Thanks, Douglas.  
DOUGLAS: Not at all. You are already deeply in my debt. Arthur, if you could spend your time until I return picking up the biscuits.  
ARTHUR: Brilliant!  
MARTIN: Good luck, Arthur. Have fun being me.  
ARTHUR: We'll be fine, Skip! Say hello to Maxi from me!  
MARTIN: I certainly will.

oooooo

[Quiet vroooom of car]  
MARTIN: Douglas, are you sure you want to go through with this? It's not too late to abandon it. Really.  
DOUGLAS: Abandon The PLAN? I'm having the most fun I've had in months!  
MARTIN: So long as you're sure. Because I'm sure Carolyn would not be happy. And there are all the risks for if you're caught.  
DOUGLAS: Stop fretting, Martin. You go and enjoy yourself. With my smooth intellect and Arthur's boundless enthusiasm, we're certain to succeed.  
MARTIN: Left here.  
[Car pulls up]  
DOUGLAS: The best of luck to you, my Captain. The final stage of The Plan is about to commence.  
MARTIN: Um. Yes. Good luck to you too.  
DOUGLAS: I shall be in touch to update you on our progress, Agent Two.  
MARTIN: Right. I'll tell Theresa you sent greetings. And, um, Douglas? Thank you.  
DOUGLAS: [airily] The pleasure is mine. Nothing like a good plot-filled, single-piloted, illegal, pony-girl-controlled flight to the other side of the world to liven up one's life.  
MARTIN: Oh, of course. Flights like that are exactly why I wanted to become a pilot.  
DOUGLAS: Really?  
MARTIN: No.

**A/N: This chapter got away from me a bit. But who needs plot progression when you can have biscuits! Incidentally, the tallest stack of biscuits I can make is twelve. It would have been thirteen but my cat ate one. (I'm on vacation and bored, can you tell?) (I'll stop blathering now.)**

**Thanks to anyone who reads, reviews, et cetera- the usual spiel thanking anyone who spends their time looking at my words. -Ro :)**


	9. 9:Fitton Airfield Everyone is Pleasant

**A/N: So the "more frequent updates" thing was a lie. Oops. I figured I'd go ahead and post the baby-chapter-spawn I had rather than wait another zillion years until I get around to actually writing more. **

**On the bright side, I went to see The Tempest at the Globe with our beloved Roger Allam as Prospero, and it was ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT! and now I really want Douglas to be a Shakespearean actor on the side because what can't Douglas do? and also any Merlin fans, Colin Morgan was Ariel and it was beautiful. Going to stop ranting about it now but it was really the best thing I have ever done ever and if you are anywhere in or around London you should go see it. Rant over. :p**

****o

DOUGLAS: [whispering] Okay, Arthur! There's nobody around. When I say "Go", run to the airplane and go into the flight deck. Are you ready?

ARTHUR: Ready!

DOUGLAS: Alright. G-

ARTHUR: Wait! Stop! We can't go yet!

DOUGLAS: Why ever not?

ARTHUR: I forgot Snuffles!

DOUGLAS: [raised eyebrow] _Snuffles_.

ARTHUR: My dog! Only he's not a real dog, don't worry, because I know Skip wouldn't like real animals on GERTI and that's why Snoopadoop stays at home. He's sort of a teddy bear. Except a dog. A teddy dog. And I ALWAYS bring him on overnight flights because he likes the zoomy feeling of flying and he stops me being scared when I have to go to sleep somewhere that isn't my bed.

DOUGLAS: Alright, well, where _is_ Snuffles?

ARTHUR: At home! On my bed.

DOUGLAS: Your home which is half an hour away.

ARTHUR: Yep!

DOUGLAS: You want me to drive half an hour to your house, pick up a _toy dog_, drive half an hour back, and be on a flight which is scheduled to leave in [checks watch] thirty-two minutes.

ARTHUR: Yes!

DOUGLAS: You do realise this is not actually possible.

ARTHUR: Yeah, but you can do it, can't you, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Arthur. I'm flattered that you believe me capable of anything, but I think TIME TRAVEL might be a little outside my abilities.

ARTHUR: But I need Snuffles! [upset] I really, really do!

DOUGLAS: ...driving for an hour and getting back in thirty minutes' time. Shouldn't be too hard.

ARTHUR: Hooray! Thanks, Douglas!

DOUGLAS: You go into the flight deck and shut the door. Do not let anyone in. Particularly not Carolyn. Understood?

ARTHUR: Go into flight deck, shut door, nobody's allowed in, particularly not Mum. Got it.

DOUGLAS: Excellent. [car engine starts] I shall see you in half an hour.

ooooo

[Arthur humming to himself in the flight deck]

[Sound of approaching car]

CAROLYN: There was really no need for you to drive me, Hercules.

HERC: Oh, it was my pleasure.

CAROLYN: Really? What a surprise. What do you want now? More opera?

HERC: What? No! Carolyn, is it really so hard for you to believe that I might genuinely enjoy your company?

CAROLYN: …

HERC: Well you'd better believe it, because it's true. Not everyone has ulterior motives all the time. Although, flying around in the company of Douglas, I can see you'd find that hard to believe-

CAROLYN: Actually, Douglas' ulterior motives tend to outweigh anyone else's. Even if someone is scheming, you can bet they're not scheming as much as Douglas is.

HERC: -you see, actually, some people (for example, me), are capable of harboring _affectionate_ feelings towards other people (for example, you).

CAROLYN: Alright, alright.

HERC: [pause] Although, there is a concert the night after you get back which I rather hoped you'd be interested in attending.

CAROLYN: A-ha!

HERC: What? It's not opera, either, it's orchestral, so I thought-

CAROLYN: No, it's fine. Fine! I'll go!

HERC: Oh. Excellent! That was surprisingly easy.

CAROLYN: Provided that you admit you've proved my point, and confess to being pleasant in order to manipulate me rather than for the sake of it.

HERC: I'm crushed that you think so little of me. And besides, your logic is flawed. If I didn't _like_ spending time with you, and was merely _enduring_ your company in order to gain influence which I could use to manipulate you, then _why_ would I use said influence to get you to _spend more time with me_?

CAROLYN: Oh, Hercules. I don't think little of you at all, in fact I think rather a lot of you.

HERC: …oh. Excellent. [pleased, amused] That was almost a love confession.

CAROLYN: [rapidly] No it wasn't.

HERC: But why on earth were you being so argumentative over nothing?

CAROLYN: Why, so I could hear you talk in italics, of course! Your argumentative voice is second-to-none!

HERC: And yet you accuse ME of being manipulative.

o

**A/N: I feel quite bad for Martin. He's been left out of this chapter. Sorry. I promise lots of Martin next time. Thanks to anyone reading/reviewing. (It's been scientifically proven that reviews have a direct correlation to author happiness and typing speed.) -Ro :)**


End file.
